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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-26 22:07:47 (edited 2009-04-27 07:00:51)
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@KM fiuh~ that was tense^^ I just read it and must agree that you really like emotional scene ^^ one advice though. take it slowly ^^ don't rush things --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “You THERE! Throw that away!!!†“HAAII!!!†said a girl with annoyed intonation, she was told to thrown away the garbage. Today was an exceptionally busy day in the store. She wondered why there are so many people ate in here. Since the day she employed here as part timer this without a doubt the busiest day. And above all because of that the owner is in really tense mood. She took the garbage bin and goes out from the back door to the alley beside the shop. “Wew, it’s just like different world out here. Once you get out there is less noise and it’s like the world suddenly quiet down a little†she said as she closed the door behind her. Then she looked up and smiled. “Great weather today, I can even see the star, it’s a bit chilly though. Maybe it’s going to rain in midnight or it’s going to be heavy fog in the morning. Anyway it’s a nice breeze†as she stretch her arms, enjoying the night breeze. She dumped out the garbage in the large garbage bin outside the shop but not going back afterward. She walked out of the alleyway to the sidewalk in front of the shop. From there she got a better view of the night street. Neon signs, lights, people walking and cars passing by, all seems like another world has emerged. Like this town has changed. The day’s town had gone to sleep and now the night has awake. “This town never sleeps isn’t it….†As she look far and wide to the open street. But soon her eyes caught something that doesn’t fit the joyous night. A man walking on the other side of the street, with coat tightly secure as like the air is really cold. The man just gave out dark aura around him. Though from the people point of view he’s like invisible. She doesn’t know why but she can get her eyes out from him. Her eyes just followed him until he vanished as he entered an alley in the next block. “SIAAA!!! Get your butt in here this instant; we got plenty of work here!!!†The owner yelled woke Sia up from her temporal trance. “H-HAI!†She still thought about the man while she approached the door. But as soon as she entered the shop, she was in the other world and forgot about what had happened before. 
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-27 03:40:46 |
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@KMR: Whoa... long story.... good though. But the story is seems... somehow to fast.....-_-... maybe you should postpone the raid... and the mean of "playing" is....-_-" uh... didn't really like that part.... but else than that it's a good story. Waiting the continuation! @ Lockey: "continuation?" Well... the story is a bit short... so... well all I could say is nice expression you used there.^~^ @all: Oh... um... I won't posting a story for a while... need to finish my thesis.... 
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-27 05:28:11 (edited 2009-04-27 05:28:24)
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K.M.R: Nice one there- I thought it sounded familiar at first, and then i realised it was the continuation + redraft :P... Good tension there and, even though the stabbing is a bit disturbing, it really adds to the story from my point. Thanks for taking your time to post all of it!! Lockey: oh, very nice one! I like it! Btw, if you're trying to say: "yes!", i believe it's "Hai!", sorry i got kinda confused when Sia kept saying "Hi" to the boss ^^ I like your character's so far- and even though it's slightly familiar, there's something about Sia that's interesting, can't put my finger on it though... anyways: very, very good! Like to hear more from this story!   |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-27 06:25:36 |
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@faiz yes it's all in the same story, all of that was continuation ^^ though I like to put point of view per character.. so far 3 person and 1 narration ^^ all in prologue. still not in the main story ^^ @mokona oh!!! I got it wrong ahahahaha thanks for reminding me about that ^^ familiar??? to what??? you got me all curious here hahahahaha ^^
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-27 06:51:47 |
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@Faiz- thank yopu for that.. I am edititng that part now.. the raid? Hm.. let me fix that Yes some how your instincts worked properly Thesis... evry student doe snot want that... really @Mokona- Yes it was actually posted it on one of the past pages but now it is now nearly complete... changes are favorable and this time.... I got lost track of the story again... hehhe Sorry for the stabbing scene but I need it for my story It was 11 pages and still growing... Maybe I will just post the continuation on the other post... @Lockey- Ok i will not rush it but still I have a deadline becasue I have some school assignment to do... Nah I should really not to rush things  --> |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-27 11:56:53 |
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@All I have been really busy for the past few days, and I am still quite busy; I couldn't find the time to write some reviews, but I have read the stories and will note only a few things. First of all, "Bash" ain't a bad name; it's just that I don't like being called "Bash", as it's what I do to doors and chests in Neverwinter Nights. I prefer being called like the herb. Also, Basil is a character in one of my stories, one which I'll post when I finish the one I'm doing now. It's less on the violence side and more on the... I dunno. @Lockey A change of style I see in the posts that followed. It creates a different look on things, which should create a living environment. I think. And are you a fan of Mio? @KM A post-apocalyptic-esque story set in the motherland? Awesome!! The first thing I saw that had the Philippines as a center for something chaotic was Front Mission, with the Tagaytay fiasco. Anyway, your story is well written amidst the grammar and spelling errors; I see a great plot in your story, and I will be expecting the continuation. I've already read the first version of Vector Crisis a long time ago, so the intro was quite familiar. By the way, I'm curious as to why you chose Pasig as the setting. Are you living in Pasig? |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-27 14:11:30 |
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K.M.R: Take your time ^^ gather your thoughts. Would like to hear more from Vector Crisis, no, i think the violence adds to it. Plus, yes, ==' please post the rest on another post- this one had my head spinning, now that's before i got to read it. Lockey: No prob ^^ oh- not anything in particular- just wanna point out now that i watch way too much TV, but the mysterious figure? *thumbs up* Okay, okay Basil ^^ Care to explain Neverwinter Nights? ==' and you always have so much insight and knowledge on everything- it's slightly unnerving, dunno why. :3 |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-27 14:57:22 |
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@Mokona Neverwinter Nights is an RPG game for the PC which we are now using at school. Yes, we play games at class, considering it's called Game Designing and Development. By the way, remember when I said I won't make the escape flashback detailed? Ignore that; I've started to write in more detail for the flashback. |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-27 16:16:19 |
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@basil currently ahhaha but if you ask then yes I'm a fan right now but still mizore the best ^^ hahahah yes every post have different style, just to create point of view. but when the character are together I will use one style ^^ or mix em up hehehehe @KM hahahaha take it easy, I now the urge to write hahaha maybe after you write it. You should read it again, see if something that need change or not ^^ @mokona hehe ^^ glad you like it ^^
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-28 06:37:05 (edited 2009-04-28 06:49:16)
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@Basil: Nope lived at Davao City, the reason why Pasig is the stting I just commemorate one work of my favorite Filipino manga artist named Taga- Ilog of the Culture Crash Comics series the title of his work was Pasig, that was the reason why the place i choose is Pasig City, he is really one of my aspirations of creating stories Sadly I lost some of my CCC so i am sad.... @Lockey- ok well If you wanted to write about it go ahead, maybe if you wanted a side story I am willing to read it @Mokona- ok... the continuation is now on the way, some errors on the editing process is making my mind being swirling... hehehe --> |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-28 09:13:25 |
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@KM no,no,no what i meant was I understand your feeling to write more. so I suggest that if you in a rush after you write your story, you should read it again just to check heheehehehe
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-29 21:49:16 |
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@ Key: Hahah, sorry I cnat do much more helping out right now. (Im focused on understaind math equations) Nonetheless the piece you posted after my last post runs a lot more smoothly. I personally like the monologue type begginings. Hau~! @ Faiz: It's nice of you to say, but really, I'm just the standard person who likes to write, kinda... It's not that I necessarily know the nooks and crannies of the english language, and can recite all the rules. Rather, I just decide based on reasoning and whether the sentence flows smoothly. @ Karuzo: Hahah, time related things had to make me cut things short. But for now all I can say is this: Try to avoid using the "Two characters exchanging words with one another quickly." like the first one I saw 8 line seperations down. You should be careful with these since people may get confused who's talking. Also, adding to that, try to animate the conversations a little bit more. You'll notice that people will unconsciously do things when they talk. You dont have to overload it, but just sprinkle the extra detail here and there to make it interesting. This too, is also a good chance to help illustrate the character in the type of tenancies they have when talking, as well as imply how they feel about the subject, without actually saying it. I'll have to agree with Faiz in the pacing part. Try to define the important events (considering in normal books, they take up an entire chapter and such) It can also help to divide your story into "chapters" which'll make it clear when the scene changes. If you feel the events are too short to be divided, then you may want to try to go the "add more detail" route. Just keep in mind what I suggested above. I personally like how you use real places and setting for the plot. You did an alright job for the setting, but I think you can put more detail into it. (Like, reasons why things are like this, what lead to the current situation, etc.) But I understand if you wish to leave it to be revealed later. Ugo's also had a kinda war related story based on a fictional second american civil war. Though im not by any means a separatist, I wanted to write it because of how some people complain about history. How would you feel if you gave your life in battle and 100 years later it's nothing more than a statistic for war casualties that high school kids don't want to memorize? Slowly get-better-get-better tebaa! @ Basil: Ough...! I wish my school had a game development class! Not that I that I only want to sit around and play games but because I actually want to be involved in the profession when I grow up too! My school doesn't even have a Japanese class. Ugh, cant always get what you want... -_-; @ All: Haha, Sorry for not posting too much... Standardized testing comes in less than a week, and Ugo procrastinates to study for the last three days left. Wish me luck if you can, as I'll probably need it... ^^'   |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-30 02:10:29 |
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Good luck Ugo >< !! Oh yh, and luck for Mokona too!! Science and Statistics exam tomorrow! Day off today though :3 Sorry Mina! I haven't posted up any of my stories ==' I will try and do that later today, and post it down here :P ↓↓↓ |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-04-30 06:35:44 (edited 2009-04-30 06:39:14)
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@Ugo- Ok i will get to that... that means this thing has an overhaul.... sorry guys about this... Actually i planned this story is a short one but.... nah never mind i will edit this thing after i completely finsihed it... WHooo....that means I have more work to do... at least I am not bored this summer @Basil- oops sorry i mus understood you... sure I will do that... thansk for the reminder --> |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-05-01 09:25:42 |
hello, can I join??  |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-05-01 11:24:28 |
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Yes you can join ^^ Remember To post some Stories :D Edited post at the top for new members ._. if i missed you then yeahh...just tell me lol. ~Doomlight P.S. im writing loads of stories and ive been meaning to come into the fourms but yeahhh...im at page 5 of the stories lol...i got a long way to go 
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-05-01 11:57:00 |
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Doomlight: Woo~ be sure to post them! Tsubasa: Can't help another hi-5 for Tsubasa Chronicle fan ^^, yay! Be sure to post some stories. Everyone here is friendly, 'cept me- so only i get to say bad things about your stories, got that junior? ~ joke ^^ yes, my idea of humour. Basil: *shakes fist at him* ==' 2 hours slaving away on my statistics and Spearmans rank and you sit on your a*s playing Neverwinter Nights? I'm so jealous ==' but happy for you... i'm such a weirdo :P |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-05-01 17:50:40 (edited 2009-05-01 17:51:46)
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@Ugo Well, the profession of gaming is a very, very frustrating way to make money. You can think I'm all playing games, but even though it's a fun subject, it's the most frustrating. It usually means headaches for me, especially whenever I'm in the middle of something and the code doesn't work right. Or not work at all. @Tsubasa Welcome, erm, was that right? I haven't been studying Katakana for a loooong time, so I presumed it's right, with Mokona's post being a clue. Ah, w'ever. I'll be lookin' forward to your stories and insight. @KM I reminded you something? I'm not aware of that. @Mokona Hey, it's not just fun and games. Working on that means sleepless nights and headaches. Not to mention the frustration of debugging. And yes, you are weird. Chapter 01 up! Background - Notes from the Amateur Writer It's been a rough week, so it took me this long to post the first chapter of my still untitled story. If it feels like it's been rushed, please do so. Now, onto business. In the story, the genetic experiments, ie the clones of the progenitor, were created with unique specialties. The protagonist has 300% enhanced accuracy, therefore he was given the nickname "Deadeye", though he prefers being called "Crackshot". Well, I dunno if it's gonna be obvious in my post, but oh well, why not do this? Act 1 - Retirement Chapter 01 This parcel was not that large, nor was it conspicuous; people could walk past by it and take it for some kind of business matter and ignore it. The container itself was of no concern, as it was only a simple carton with some stamps of a business. The contract specifically included the terms that the container bear the logo of a business and be sent to a CEO of that business by some courier. I am now waiting to be tended to by a private courier. A ring of a bell and some exchanges of words and currency later, the parcel is well on its way to the CEO. The courier was very trusting; he needed no confirmation of my cover and agreed to hand in the parcel in person. I almost feel a tinge of pity to the trusting lad, but he had seen my face, making him a liability. By the time I've put Four, Five, and Six down, my P99's sliding block was hopelessly stuck in the empty position, and there was no helping it, since I'm all outta ammo. I decided to scavenge some from One's MP5KA5, as it used the same caliber ammo. I was kneeling to pick up the gun when the doorknob in front of me flew past my ear. It was only a few milliseconds before I heard the loud, distinct roar of a shotgun. With the doorknob blown off to hell, the door could only take a tapping before giving in. What happened next was in any way not tapping; the intruder gave the door a heaping serving of boot, unhinging the door after a few wild swings. The intruder, now designated Seven, hefted a Mossberg 590 pump-action shotgun, all Parkerized and stuff. It even had an M7 Bayonet attached under the barrel, and just look at the picatinny rails on top. I even felt my mouth water, and if I haven't checked myself immediately, I could've drooled in front of the Seven. But wait, judging the gaping hole in the doorknob, this guy's carrying large slug rounds. Which basically meant that I am f***ed if I do nothing. Before I could even throw the empty pistol at him, just to knock him back a step or two, he sent one slug flying, pounding in my upper torso. That was so powerful I even felt the protective armor inside me get ripped open. I had to strain just to get a good aim at Seven, and I saw an opening when he pumped his shotgun. The pistol hit him in the right eye, which set him back a few paces. Now that he's stunned, I commenced onto close-quarters battle, a Feldmesser FM 78 field knife on my right hand. I figured I could slit his throat open or something. That proved to be a big mistake. Almost as if they were waiting for this, five new guys went on either flank of Seven, carrying AA-12 automatic shotguns and M249 machine guns. Those babies could really bring on the pain. "Oh, shi-" The rude bastards didn't even let me finish my warranted expletive. They immediately opened fire, sending me into a bullet-riddled frenzy my brother Lead liked to call "the dance". Dammit, I've never though I'd get my groove on the first time this way. After "dancing" the following six seconds, I was way beyond "operational"; my body was riddled with too much bullets it'd take me a month just to heal and recover. I'm knee-deep in sh*t. The intruders are closing in on me, Seven has this smug grin in his face that I'd want to wipe off, ad I can't move a goddamned muscle. The next thing I expected was a coup de grace. But they never managed to enter the room. In an instant, each one of them did their own imitation of the Human Torch, complete with the fire. The only thing that was different was that the Human Torch never screamed in agony whenever he's on fire. Another stream of ignited gas finished them off. The six bastards lay crispy on the floor, and there's not a damn that I can do. I could hear the metallic boots clanging on the fllor, and I was mighty worried. I already have an idea as to who this bastard is. "So, how did the dance feel, Cracky?" said the figure, who stood in front of the charred bodies. He was holding what seems to be a rifle with a propane tank attached beneath the barrel in an almost comical way. But I knew better than to laugh at it; it was a prototype weapon called the FlammenwerferApparaten Mark 4, or FA Mk. IV. It's design was based on the Soviet ROKS-2 Flamethrower, but with the gas reservoir attached directly below it. What so special about it is that the gas tank created its own gas from the atmosphere, and I be damned if I knew how. "F*** you, Zippo," was the only thing I could come up with. "I was ready for a bullet in the noggin, and you have to come in and f*** it up." He gave a rowdy laugh and shoved his left hand in his pocket. He took out a small vial, which I recognized immediately. "Goddamn, is that-" "Panacea? Yeah, it is." He took a syringe and filled it up with the read fluid. He then injected me with the Panacea. Basically, it is an experimental drug that sent the healing mechanism of the body into overdrive, increasing the healing abilities of the body to 250%. For us genetic experiments, it's 500%. Pretty dangerous but great, nonetheless. I shoved aside any puzzlement I had and relished the Panacea-induced rush. Damn, it felt so good. Just then I noted that he spoke with a muffled voice. Now that my eyesight's back in shape, I saw him wearing his trademark thermal breather. It's a habit of his whenever he did played with fire too much. "You set the goddamned place on fire, didn't you?" Even though I can't see his face, I'm sure that he had a smirk behind the mask. "Naturally," he answered, pointing to his grenade belt. There was only one out of five left. "I WP'ed the place," he stated proudly with a thumb up. "But how about-" "Herr Schwartz? He's waiting in the van. I took him out while you were f***ing with those creeps." Dammit, Zippo, will you stop interrupting me!? "Let's go, pronto," he said grimly, gesturing through the window. I peered outside and saw a black van. I also saw a burning corpse on the rooftop of another building. We rappelled down five stories, and that's the extent of my memory. It's been 21 months since then, and I've been making a living by taking the lives of others. I was created for the purpose of assassination, for crissakes. Yeah, going places, killing people, and raking in a fortune is a good life, but I've been sick of it. I've always wanted to have a normal life, and add to that the fact that it's a bother to be in the wrong side of the law. That's why I've accepted Dr. Schwartz' offers to be his lab assistant. I've always had the knack for the natural sciences. That's why I've decided that this Marconi fiasco was the last hit I'll ever do. I presented my fake passport to the flight stewardess upon her request, and I gotta say, the bastard who did my false papers is amazing. It got me all the way here while assuming the identity of some fictional businessman. She led me to my seat in the first-class area of the plane, which turned out to be a window seat. After I've gotten comfortable, I was offered some champagne. I relented, but I thought a toast should be called for the last of my assassination days, so I accepted. Napoli really is something, I thought to myself as I looked out the window and took in the amazing sight from my altitude, notably this one builing with a gaping hole on the topmost floors, the smoke billowing out of it almost blocked the reflective glass panels of the adjacent rooms. I felt my mouth form a smirk as I beheld the fruits of my labor. Package delivered, I thought to myself as I sipped my champagne, ignoring the panicked chatter of the other passengers. |
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-05-01 21:42:37 |
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@all: Ahaa....the thesis is almost there... but it really getting though....I've read many articles that i forgot where did i know this or that....T~T @Basil Yeah... now that's a great job... usually people keep a cool main character not being beaten up badly at the first chapter... but you did which is pretty amazing ~! As usual... you're doing great with the visualization... T~T makes me cry.... Waiting for the continuation okay?^-^ @Ugo You're not!? Now that surprising me even more! you know... literature is very difficult to understands... especially if you are not the native... but you do it just smooth... ow... okay! I'm going to do my best too !^~^ @Doomlight Okay... guess you've add all of the new member... thanks!^-^ Again @ all: okay then sorry that I couldn't post a lot now... see you later!^-^ (and please pray for the thesis' success...T~T)
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Re: Writers Club/Guild
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on 2009-05-02 10:19:14 |
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Basil: you just noticed Mokona is weird? *looks around to see if Mokona is around* :P Loved your new chapter >< mind if i steal it? Strictly for... uhh, reading purposes... yeah, reading *rolls eyes*. Lol XD the dancing part was great. And I love nothing better than to read about great friendships, dunno why, so thumbs-up! Perfected style of writing again. Ha ha what's with the assasinations and the fake passports and whatnot ^^ oh yeah, i see now that knowledge with guns gets you very far in writing.. another weird thing that i love reading about guns and stuff... *hits Basil across the head* "Amateur writer"? [BEEEP] Anyways, another great post from Basil *claps wildly*. I really can't explain how good it is with my vocabulary, hence the clapping. |