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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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by
on 2007-01-28 15:51:19 |
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Imppy, you should learn to drink in moderation. Drinking is fine, it makes for funny situations involving cats and banana peals. If you drink too much you could end up doing something worse than you could ever imagine. As far as hitting on the tall Korean chick, you probably just looked like another drunk kid at a party. Chances she won't even remember you, but if you drink heavily you might loose that title of "nice guy." I haven't actually posted anything about my depression on here in a very long time. I guess that's because I wasn't so depressed, until now that is. I have no idea why, but for some reason I had a mental breakdown today. It came out of nowhere and it was the worst one I've had in over 4 months. It was one of those self-loathing episodes. They don't make you feel very good about anything, or build confidence in anything that you've done. Actually scratch that, I know where it came from. It's because every time I try to get close to someone I end screwing up, and drive them away from me. It's because I suck so bad at it that I start hating myself for it, slowly it just festers until about a day later and then it pops like a nasty balloon. Add in the stress from my day and it all turns to this self-loathing dough that just gets kneaded inside of my head. Then I shut down and close off all connections. That's probably why I've been avoiding this all day. If this is fragmented and hard to understand it's because I wrote it over the course of the day and it's just collections of what I was thinking. |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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DNinja, this is ironic to me because not only myself, but,I assume, other people go through this often. Assumptions aside I will base my answer upon my own experiences with this annoying mental itch. Usually this kind of stuff starts when you find your own actions diverging from the paragon mental conception of self. Your own morals, values, wants, needs, (basically mind-f**k collaberation of who you "should" be) create this self-image that, for the majority of the time, is completely insatiable. No matter how well things go, any deviation from said image red flags yourself a mental demerit. In many ways this system is a good thing and can nip many radical discrepancies in the bud. However idle minds like to over-complicate and over-elaborate on the simplest of things. I'm in no way trying to tell you to keep yourself busy because that just neglects the problem. The problem being, in the simplest way stated, that you haven't found yourself yet. Ever wonder why old dudes in the gym locker room can always sidle over naked and strike up a conversation with you? They are so comfortable with themselves that they have no care in the world. As young adults we don't have that kind of contentness of being. We are very self-conscious of how we act and of how others view our actions....whether we'd like to admit it or not. I also believe you are, again in the simplest way possible, reaching out for a companion(yes in biblical terms...=D). In this case use the advice you gave me when I was feeling that instinctual lonliness. Look brother man, you are going to have to ask yourself whether these discrepancies in your self-image are things you truly and personally have a want to fix...because of a betterment of being. Or, on the other hand, is it because you think more people will accept you in light of such a change.(Not to say this is the case, it's just a gentle kick in the face for next time this rolls around) I said this already not too long ago but I'm gonna say it again(in a slightly more developed and nonetheless metaphorical way). It is that happy medium of the present where you can look forward or behind yourself. Though it matters not which direction you look, you should remember that this is not where you began and it is far from where you're going. But once you take that step, whether it is the first or very last step on this great journey, do it for yourself. (obligatory corny sayings imminent)So in a nut shell I'm trying to tell you not to pound your square piece into a circle hole. Once you find the one that fits it'll all seem natural. *ahem*...uh...sorry. |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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on 2007-01-28 19:32:04 |
| That's where the problem is. I thought this was the one. Even more so than Whittney or anyone else ever. I messed up what was a perfect understanding between two people. Now I don't know what I'm doing. It disclosed everything, so it feels like a part of me is gone and all that's left is emptiness. I used the fact that people didn't know the real me as a crutch, now that crutch is gone and I have nothing to stand on. I'm completely encompassed in self-hatred to the point where I don't care anymore. I don't think I've ever had it this bad. It also be simply just the fact that I pulled those memories out of suppression and now with no outlet I just have this wreaking noxious memory gas that's welling up from my past. It's cutting off my hopes and turning me into the cynic I was 4 years ago. I hate myself for it, because now I thinking things that I hate to see in other people. If I didn't care for this person it wouldn't hurt nearly as bad, but the fact that the last words that were said were so formal and forced is what's hurting the most. It feels like I was cut deep by my own expectations and I feel like I wasted energy on something that didn't pan out well at all. I can't even look at the mistakes I've made to try and see exactly where I went wrong. I wish I could learn from them, but it's no good. I'm too afraid to say anything directly to this person, and I'm too concerned to just let it go. If also for the fact that I wasn't worried about things they said right before we said "night" I wouldn't be in such a bad mood. As it was distressing to me, I can't help but worry. It's also that worry that's getting all mixed up in my head. I'm feeling years of hurt, years of aloneness, years of separation, years of hope, years of sadness, and god only knows what else. It's all just sitting up in my head moving around, and rearranging itself into possibilities that I know aren't true. They still are made and it hurts every time a new one surfaces. My whole body aches, I'm fatigued, I'm confused, I'm angry with myself for doing such stupid stuff, and I'm worried. I've lost my clout, I can't see patterns forming, I can't see what people are thinking, and I've lost my determination. I'm just overall gone, it's like my mind committed mental suicide and it's not coming back to me. I don't know where I stand anymore. It's like I've lost touch with the world around me. It is all my fault too. That's what is really bothering me about it all. The fact that I could've stopped it all from happening, if I just would've thought before I spoke, if I could've seen things that are obvious now, if I hadn't been such a thick headed moron. I started to think selfishly and wanted to do things for me when I missed the problem that was there the whole time. I was too preoccupied to notice, too stupid and slow, and too self absorbed. If that person reads this I am deeply sorry, and I feel like such an idiot for missing their needs and seeing only myself. If it weren't entirely my fault I don't think it'd be so bad as it is. As it is this is probably the worst I've felt in my entire life, and that's saying something. I hate myself for it and it's not helping any. I think this is going to be one of those stupid mistakes I'm going to carry to the grave, I can't ever forgive myself for it. I said I had no enemies, that's untrue, I'm my own enemy. I undermine my own efforts without realizing until it's too late. I've foiled my own plans so many times and in so many ways that I wonder why I even bother anymore. Why I even try, and why I'm even here. I'm counter productive to myself so I can only imagine what I am to others. I don't know how I can just sit there and say "do this and you'll be happy" when I'm not even happy. Happy things are too far few between for me, and even when they do get there they rarely last. I know see why my only girlfriend left me, and I know see why Whittney said nothing to me. Underneath this happy exterior is a stupid, undeserving, moronic, and self-loathing best that people can see when I start to open up to them. It's that which drives them from me. I can never forget things or people, because to do so is to do those events and people an injustice. I can't just forget about this girl, I don't think I ever will. It's now that I think I finally understand that I was never meant to be with anyone, only to be a friend that someone in a troubled situation uses to get better then I leave and move on. I can't stay with anyone for any extended period of time because I start to drive them away as soon as I think that it could all work out. As I sit here and write this I start to realize that no matter how much I want something I'd rather have that something be used for someone else's gain. I undermine my actions so that others can't get close to me, I force others away though stupid and selfish actions so that I can never look at those people the same. I've never told any one my entire past before this, and I know why. I never told anyone because I knew that if I did I would start to miss the others in my past and I could never get back to the present. I think I understand now why I was so hesitant, why I filled my stories with falsehoods and bits and pieces from other parts all woven together. I did it so that I would never have to tell my entire life story, and that it would never be completely known by one or a group of people. I did so that I would never have to fas the truth, I always accepted things about my life and never confronted them. I knew that if I ever told the entire story in all truthfulness that I would have to come to terms with myself and figure out what I really was. It's because of that fear and that pain that would go along with that acceptance that I never said it. I never wanted to have to face my past with a straight stare and see once and for all what it is that I truly believe about myself. In writing this I have actually transformed myself. Much the same a butterfly emerges from a cocoon, I had to form my chrysalis and cut myself off from the world for a while. I would then have to go through the hardest part of my life and emerge as the now mature and knowing butterfly. I now think we all go through this, but what it means to have it happen at this young of an age I do not know. I only hope that after this I can make amends with the world. This is what I needed to do in the first place. I needed to write it all down and go through everything in my head before I let it sit and gather filth to it. Thanks for hearing it out. |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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by S-a-c-h-i-e-l
on 2007-01-28 20:03:41
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Wa-hoo, that was quite the post. Everything you said is all kind of a blur to me now, and reading it again might only confuse me more at this state (plus I'm a wee bit too lazy to read it again :D), so correct me if I'm wrong. You never wanted to tell anyone your life story because you'd find out who you were? Seems to me that if you found out who you were, you could come to grips with it and change it for the better, and then you could tell people about yourself and not worry about confronting your past again... Anywho, feel free to tell me all about your life story, I wanna see you find out who you are :D My email's in my profile! =^.^=  |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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You know I respect you 100 fold for having said that. It takes a lot to stare down the beast. However I believe this post is misdirected. To believe the beast is all you are is, for lack of a more eloquent word, wrong. And to think that beast is completely evil is another falsehood. If you truly, oh and I mean truly, believe this girl is the one you want to be with then why in god's name are you not telling her this? You're afraid? What the f**k do you think that beast is there for? Use it! It is your strength; it is you determination; it is the entire well of might within a man. However it is the man who chooses to let that beast be evil or good. This is the first day of the rest of your life. Believe in that. It takes a heaping pile of strength to own up to your shortfalls and then promise yourself to change. I have faith that you can do that because your beast is very healthy. You say you can't figure out what's wrong with you? You already said it yourself and you figured out the answer. Love is a collaberation. Even if you were ignorant to that fact, you know it now and this knowledge releases those shackles. If the understanding between you two is as complete as you say then she will hear you out. And if the fates feel it was meant to be then she will forgive you. I want you to waste no time. None! All this sh** you wrote down here, tell her. Her answer will contain the words that will set you free. |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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EDITED* Sorry forgot to thank you Immpy and Xavier, I was too involved trying to solve D-Ninja's and Immpy's problems. @Immpy thanks :), I should at least try to do something about my problems instead of complaining all the time. It's hard for me mentally cause my thoughts easily get disorganised once I panic. @Xavier Yeah I should communicate to other people to build up my confidence. You're right, in the past when I got my groove going, I can say some interesting and good stuff and people become interested in my conversations and want to talk to me. And you're right the second time, I should gather more information from different sources, to get ideas. Thanks :) EDITED ends* @Immpy lol doesn't matter if you're drunk, it doesn't affect you as the good guy, you were drunk and you couldn't help yourself. I kinda know how you feel, I was half-drunk at my friend's 21st, and I felt uncomfortable holding myself back. LOL I did some stupid things like when we kicked the soccer ball around I dived for the ball like a goalkeeper instead of kicking it. LOL my friend even took a photo of me lying on the ground like an upside-down bettle :P Luckily I wasn't completely wasted or who knows what would have happened :S @D-Ninja Woah, no offence but everything looks crammed up and I'm finding it difficult to read. It's good that you vent out your anger and talk about your problem. I'm not sure if you followed the example on my previouspost, but that was good. You feel a bit better at least since you'd talk about it yeah? And we're here to help :) I know how you feel, I too am not a mentally strong person and like you a few years back at my early high school years (Year 7-9), I was bullied pretty badly by almost everyone in my school year. The worst thing was that some of my friend's backstabbed me and started bullying me too. I'm still not over that nightmare and what added vinegar to the wound was that in my uni years I hardly made any friends and those friends would hardly talk to me and they would only talk to me if no one else was around. Too tell you the truth, I was really depressed that time, I couldn't believe no one would want to be my friend. It got worst as time went by. I almost gave up on life during that time. I try to surpress my depression through playing video games and watching TV shows. Luckily I told my parents about it and my dad recommended me to "Toastmasters". What is Toastmasters? It's a social club where you give speeches about whatever you want and the people there give you positive feedback on it and tell you nicely on where you need to improve. It's a friendly and positive environment. The people there make you feel welcome. It really helped revived my social life. It gave me the confidence to speak again. lol when I was called up for a segment in the schedule called "Table topics" (give 2 minutes speech on question given by the "Toastmaster", which is a random member everytime). I got an easy question "what was my interest?". lol I only gave one sentence and froze there and everyone stared at me. I was pretty much embarrassed but after a while one of the members said well done and everyone clapped. You see they didn't mock me or make fun of me and when I joined up and I gave a prepared speech, no one laugh, or mocked me, even though my speech was about pretty much a summary of my life up to this point, including the good times and when I was bullied and in that social stagnation at uni. They were listening to my speech. I felt respected and that I wasn't ignored. I knew somehow this was the right place for me. It boosted my confidence up and from then on I grew and grew and started speaking with more confidence and started to express myself more comfortably. I even once overheard my mentor saying that he was really surprised on how much I'd improved over a short period of time. So thats why serious D-Ninja, I HIGHLY recommend you go to a toastmaster's session, it's what you need now. You need to be in a positive environment, which it seems from what you wrote you haven't and seriously sign up straight away, you won't regret it, they give you manuals on how to write different type of speeches, and in the package also comes with other manuals. I got an "how to evaluate a speech" manual and "How to use gestures while speaking" manual. I'm not sure if the package varies from club to club. And thats not all, you even get a yearly subscription to toastmaster's international magazine, which is kinda like a manual on it's on teaching you different stuff on how to communicate in certain ways. But wait, there's more, once you finish your first manual (around 10 prepared speeches) you get an award called a "Competent Communicator" and they even present it to you in front of your club members and you have to give a short speech, good luck :). And you get new manuals as well as a letter to your employer saying you're a comptent communicator. It'll really help your job prospects. Anyways, I'm going to continue typing more later, but seriously D-Ninja, but not just him, everyone that has communication problems or needs to be in a positive environment, go to toastmasters and SIGN UP, it's not expensive. It was around $80 AUS for me for a yearly membership and it has helped revived my social life, not just that but improve my confidence in speaking to people as well :) You see you'll feel better in a positive environment, where people make you feel welcome and not criticise you or say things to upset you. That way after a while you'll feel like you're welcomed there and no matter what you'll always have a place to go back to if things get tough and revatialise yourself. Then you can think more clearly and try solving your other problems one by one. Thats what I did and it has helped me a lot. Sorry to nag you D-Ninja, and others but please seriously go to toastmasters it's all over the world. You don't have to sign up if you don't want to, you can come back as many times as a guest. The website is: http://www.toastmasters.org/ Anyways, I hope you do attend Toastmasters D-Ninja and others.  |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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by
on 2007-01-29 03:43:20 |
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to D-Ninja i've been through that..yep..its too empty and it seems u cant be urself.u start thinking that u are someone else and u need to avoid urself from everybody.u start to make enemies especially urself.u'll hate urself and u cant control that feeling.u depressed.u've been thinking to solve someone's problem but not urself.u sacrifise urself to make everyone happy.yes,i've been like that before.it feels like u want to commit suicide.u keep all ur feelings deep in ur heart and u dont know what to do when u are in this situation.as a friend,i suggest u 1.tell everything that lies in ur heart to someone that u really trust 2.keep smiling and tell urself that today is A BEAUTIFUL DAY! 3.try to forget all these things by enjoying urself.do something that u never tried. yes,it may caused pain but listen..everything comes with pain.no one can avoid it indcluding myself.all the painful that lies deep in my heart,i try my best to forget them all.i never tell my friends what I feel but I do tell to my TEDDY BEAR.yep,eventhough it couldn't speak but at least,it listening to us.u'll feel more comfortable if u tell everything that u feel. this time,u'll feel the emptiness and loneliness until u can commit suicide but isn't worth at all. *correct if I'm wrong.D-Ninja,everyone will feel this and u wont feel lonely,I promise because i'm always with u..we are here to help u..* |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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on 2007-01-29 13:45:32 |
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Sach, yes it was quite the post, three pages in under an hour. I was typing up a storm. That's exactly what happened, it took a day of pain an anguish but I now know who I am. Wolf, I just wrote her an e-mail telling her everything, if it works out you'll know. Thanks for support my friend, I'm not sure what I'd do without you. I owe you more than I can ever repay. Funsch, it's all squished because I just wrote what was coming out of my head as I thought it. If you ever want to know how my head works, that's the thing to look out. It's raw D-ninja, as unfiltered and cluttered as my thoughts. It goes everywhere yet still follows a sort of linear progression. It's not up to my usual format guidelines, but it's because I was writing so fast that I didn't have time to think about format or even that it was as long as it was. I'll seriously look into toastmasters, and apparently it's a recognized word in the Firefox dictionary so it must be popular. Esther, I have thought about suicide in the past, and to be perfectly honest it crossed my mind many times yesterday. I can't justify it in my mind so I'll never be able to go through with it. Don't worry, good ol' me will never commit suicide. Thanks for all your support, everyone. Despite it being very sudden and coming out of nowhere. I guess you do reap what you sow. |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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No problem D-Ninja, as Xavier said, we're here to help you and each other when we have problems. I know this is a place I can come back to when I got problems, cause I know people like you guys can offer help and suggestions. EDITED* Hey I was thinking guys, maybe we should get together and hang out some place, if it's possible. We all have problems sometimes, and we can relate to each other very well. That way some of you's won't feel lonely anymore. How bout it? I live in Australia btw, what about you guys? If not I got msn and we can share our contacts, so we can talk directly to each other. |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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i hate this....i cant sighn on for like a week and in that week i have like 70 posts to read and i cant read them all because they are all so darn long!!! AGHE!!! i hate not being able to help you guys...i feel so crapyy and cheep for it. i wish it was just like old days when i didnt have much better to do....i guess its good that all of YOU are puttying my thread to good use.....sorry  |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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on 2007-01-29 19:29:54 |
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its okay nightmare..we know that u are pretty busy and we are trying to help everyone.thanks to u because u post this kind of thread!u dont have to worry about this.we are here to help everyone even u! to D-Ninja that's my job.we are friends and we are going to help u.your problem is my problem to and we're going to solve it together! ps:to everyone,we are here to help u! |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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on 2007-01-29 19:56:33 |
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i feel so... so... like wanting to scream my heart out for no apparent reason. and i feel quite sad cuz these days, it seems that everything i did were mistakes and jeopardise other ppl...
smile to the world!
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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@Nightmare, why are you apologising nightmare, don't worry, I didn't come back for a long time and i had 100+ post to read. But I just got someone to give me the load down, thanks D-Ninja :) and gl with your recovery :) And as Xavier said we're here to help each other and don't worry cause everyone will help everyone in this forum whenever they can, and don't make yourself feel responsible and guilty just because you can't attend this forum often cause ur not, and as Xavier said, the second time, (ur on a roll :P) it's because of you that we're able to post in this thread and help each other with our problems. Your thread has had a big impact in our lives, we feel that we have hope of solving our problems cause we can post it in this thread and other people would respond to it. So you're not crappy and cheap, your a hero, you "started" this thread and by doing that you allowed many peoples problems to be solved, and saved countless lives. But I'm not just gonna leave out all the other people, thanks to you guys personally I was able to solve some of my problems and I reckon and as Xavier said (woohoo 3rd time, ur on fire :) ) we'd all "combined together" helped solve many people's problems. So thanks nightmare, and everyone for helping each other and some of my problems out, you're all great people, and may good karma come to you (i.e. goods things happen to you :) Sorry if it sounded deep, but thats how I feel, it's from my heart. EDITED* @Kaze Please tell us about your problem in detail, we'll help if we can. |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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Eep~ (=3=) long posts, big words, Imppy can't read them all tebayo~! But I got the idea, and I'm here just to inform you that I got your advices, it's really helpful and I hope I'll try to succeed next time~! Weeh~!! Oh, by the way, when I asked my classmates about the Korean chick, they said it's not a chick, nor a Korean (=3=) it's a faggot who has hardly fake boobies  OH NOES~!! AHHH~!!  |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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on 2007-01-30 03:12:20 |
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to funsch thanks2..lol..:DD..lol to kaze can we help u??it seems like u are having a big problem..u can share it with us..dont worry,u dont have to shy.we are humans and we always have problems. btw,can u share ur problem??it'll make more easier to us to solve it with u! to imppy hahahaha...thank god!!did they laugh to u??ehee |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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@ Esther But of course~! XD I was really in a panic when I figured out I flirted with a h0m0...and you know I have homophobia, as my worst fear factor of my life |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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on 2007-01-30 15:59:24 |
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Immpy, yet another reason why you should learn to control drinking. nightmare, worry not my friend. You are here with all of us in mind and even though your presence in not seen it is still felt. kaze, indeed share your troubles, it will help you get past them. |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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on 2007-01-30 17:30:07 |
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Imppy, I know you are Filipino, so I'd best address you in our own tongue. Medyo bata ka pa para magsimulang uminom at gumimik ng ganyan. Alam ko marami na ang nagsabi sa iyo na dapat huwag mong abusuhin ang sarili mo, atbp., at malamang para na naman akong "onee-san" na nanenermon. Tokoro de, parang ganoon na nga. Kung kinse anyos ka ibig sabihin isang dekada ang tanda ko sa iyo. Walang masama sa pag-enjoy sa buhay lalo na at bata ka pa, kaya lang lahat ng bagay pag sumobra hindi na maganda. Alam ko naman na alam mo na yan at matalino kang tao. Yung naging kapalpakan mo doon sa "Koreana" ay magandang example. Maswerte ka at medyo "harmless" yun at nakakatawa. Pero hindi sa lahat ng oras ay ganoon ang mangyayari. Hindi ko sinasabi ito dahil "faultless" and naging buhay ko. You know what I mean :) Kung may gusto ka pang pag-usapan in private, puwede mo akong i-PM. Warm regards, Onee-san Beauseant! |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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on 2007-01-30 17:39:41 |
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to D-Ninja i'm glad to see that u are recovering!welcome back! :DD to imppy so,next time be careful unless u want to do it again. =.='..lol =.=' ..i'm waiting for another problem.lol.tehee :DD |
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Re: The Depression Thread V3
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@ Beatrix ^.^ Okay lang, hindi naman masyadong private ah, gusto ko lang ng advice "(^ω^)" ANyways, I'll just reply to you in english, we don't want curious minds staring at me (o3o) Yeah, I was severely drunk but it's really weird to say that I'm aware of what I'm doing but can't stop myself from doing it. I think it's better for me not to get over drunk and learn to control my self-consciousness dattebayo~ (=3=) |