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Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-17 07:22:46

Whoa... everyone uses great way to tell story.... so impressed.... oh... I guess I'm not going to write for a while (haven't had any idea....^~^) so I guess I'll just went here to seek out good story for a while...^~^ @ Basil Yeah... actually I guess I need to use F1151 to really make it closed isn't it? rather than using Ra'am... not really effective "~" anyway... Good story you have there... SO the main char is a robot eh? waiting for your continuation post! I meant the story~ ^~^ Hmm... it somehow remembering me of GUnslinger girl... isn't it? ^~^!.... but well it is good. @ Ugo Yeah... maybe I'm not really good at English^~^ sorry for the inconveniences.... but well the angel could be on one place and another in just a slightly different of time... They were angels anyway right?^~^ @ Doomlight Random? wow... that's also good... maybe you just need to give an extra paragraph for every person who talks... but you have the situation under control ma'am!^~^

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-18 00:54:23 (edited 2009-04-18 01:00:12)

@ Doomlight: WOW. I feel really sorry for Miho. I kinda placed myself as the bystander watching the entire event from the fourth wall when reading it. It indeed achieved a relatively high level of random. @ Basil: Dont worry! Ugo wont... be to expectant for you to deliver an epicly awesome story each and every time you post! (Because I kinda know how it feels to be pressured to deliver too) But, well, I say that because one can write is better when you do it even when you know no one around you is going to applaud you for it. *Brain starts to fry* @ Faiz: Well, just keep working at it. Your english cant be too bad if I can still understand what you write about. If you ever get really worried with sentence fluency, I'll be glad give some help at your convenience. @ ALL: This is probably a majority of the goodbye story to my english class. We usually write journals as a daily warm up. Really curious story that I only discovered I liked to write this year because he encourages self-writing. (The previous language teachers, not so much). I also manage to write some journal responses that get the class laughing, even when I only had 10 minutes to write it. They're really attentive to me when I read aloud the more storyline-like stories as well. Though I feel a little Overhyped by my class, I'm certainly thankful that they like what I write, so I wanted my last read aloud to be- well the best my writing and editing skills could put out. Hope you enjoy it too! (Slight hints at echiiness and pantsu, not bad as bad as you may be thinking but probably more than what you'd expect coming from a story by me. If it's too bad and I'll more than fine with taking this post off.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Re: Play Have you ever wondered how the things you do today, will affect tomorrow? Sure, the older people always say to watch what you do and make plans for the future. But then again, who really knows what the future holds? We are nothing more than little beings that live their day to day lives, and are easily swayed by the happenings of the world. Plus, the there are some things that we’ll never see coming. When I think about that day, I can only remember that last scene, my mind snapped, and I was put into therapy for a couple years. It was back in those days, High School, I was naïve; and innocent too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Prolouge: One Ending It was July of 2010… and the cloudy sky was but a cruelly appropriate backdrop for the events of the day. Teenager Riki ran straight towards where here heard the crash. When he came up to the long congested line of cars on the road towards the intersection he knew he was really close. At the intersection he saw the wreck. Two cars that had rammed straight into one another head on. Metal parts and glass where scattered freely across the road. Skid marks coming from the small blue car suggested the sheer force of the collision caused it to rebound back after the collision. Riki got closer, and a deep sense of dread began to build up in his chest, as he found the terribly damaged car to be quite familiar. Emergency vehicles had yet to arrive on the scene, and though the people in the van had already gotten out, Riki noticed that the more terribly damaged car still didn’t have anyone come out. By the time he managed to pry the door open, it was painfully obvious. The couple in the car was his friends from school. The same people he graduated with, just a month ago, the same people he spent four entire years with. A man from the other car wreck ran past Riki to the Driver’s side of the car. “Hey Kid! I’ll take the person in the drivers’ seat, you take a gander at the person on the passenger side!” As he pried the door open, Riki saw a red splash against the dashboard if the car. The girl, was leaning forward with her seatbelt as if she where a doll. Taking off the seatbelt the boy lay her back against the seat. “Hey! Can you hear me!? Sasara!” Riki gently tapped her on the cheek as he tried to confirm if she was conscious. The girl with shoulder length hair, and well dressed for a date made a soft groan, and slightly opened her eyes, looking at him. “Oh, good, you still remember me, right?” After a few seconds Sasara’s eyelids started to sink back down. Riki attempted to reassure his former classmate. “Just hold on a bit longer, the paramedics will be here any moment now.” Sasara weakly opened her eyes again and started to wander to the left, Riki spotted her trying to look at the Driver’s side, and quickly put his palm up against her left cheek, preventing her from seeing what had befallen Leon. Riki didn’t need the old man to tell him, as he could already see that Leon was already dead. Riki’s mind began to dig up old memories, this wasn’t the first time he had to deal with this. In his sorrow, he momentarily forgot Sasara was still holding onto her life. The oncoming sound of sirens came to a blare as Sasara looked at Riki, wearing a worried expression wondering why he wasn’t letting her see Leon’s condition. Upon seeing her reading his expression, Riki tried to hide his feelings, but the suppressed sorrow in Riki’s face gave already gave the answer. So, as if losing her will to live, Sasara’s body began to go limp, and Riki could only helplessly watch Sasara Anderson fall into a final, eternal sleep. Riki Izoldaye is like any normal sixty three year old man. He has a respectable home, he has his share of buddies. Despite terrible skills in intimate relationships he is a man who is relatively well off, and achieved the goals he had set himself after collage. No one could guess that he spent two years in therapy before entering collage. He was tired out from the day. The party at work managed to drag itself along for a good amount of time nearly compelling him to just spend the night in his Antique Mercedes. So instead of the bed he decided to simply plop down on the couch. It was already late, and he still had church to attend the next morning. Beside of his couch, he spotted the pile of old books he had been moving into storage. Piled about in the order they’d been tossed and forgotten about. Before he drifted into sleep, he spotted the Piyeon High school yearbook dated 2005-2006, from his Sophomore year. But it didn’t really matter, the truly pressing issue was that The Knights of Columbus where to have a free breakfast at the eight o’ clock mass. It would be a terrible shame to miss out on free food. He fell asleep, and in the entrance to this dream a familiar voice echoed from his memories. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1: When we meet again at the beginning “Hmph, you’re right, this teacher is a total douchbag.” “Really, personally I think we should give that guy a little payback. I hot a little plan, actually.” “Interested, huh? Well I think I could use an extra hand, you up to it?” “Alright, hey Chris! We got ourselves some fresh blood!” “Nah, it’s just a slang term. Oh, by the way, I’m Leon Irbing.” “Ah, I see, well, nice to meet you too, Riki. As of this day forward, you’re the third minion of our group!” Being alone is lonely… so our two hands where joined. Then two people was lonely, so a circle of hands connected. Then those thousands… Become powerful. And no dream can have it’s essence sealed away. So fly high- High into the sky! Kick high- And raise your voice! Until the day you are broken… ..on some distant far away day. I won’t forget your voice- And I won’t forget those tears. From now on, it will begin. This future, that is called: ‘Hope’ Lets take that first step, even knowing the hardships to come. - “Little Busters!” by Rita “Blast it! Riki! We’re caught!” “It would be best if we advance in the opposite direction.” “In other words, let’s get the hell outta here!” Riki felt his feet pounding concrete, with wind rushing past his hair. To add to it, he felt a little heavier than usual. Opening his eyes, he saw he was running down the sidewalk that ran along C-Building on the school campus. In front of him, where two other teenage boys in full charge ahead of him, the shorter of the two turned back to Riki in mid-run, he had sharp eyes and his hair was gelled back revealing a prominent forehead. “You idiot! Riki! What are you still doing with those!?” The taller of the two spoke out. “Riki! Great work, we still have possession of the prize!” Riki responded back, puzzled. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about! Why are we running?” From behind them, the sound of the beating of many pairs of running shoes stampeded towards the three boys, a girl’s voice full of fury yelled out like a battle cry. “You perverted freaks! Give them back!!!” Riki didn’t know why, but he suddenly felt that outrunning whoever just called them perverts was the dividing line between escape and an extraneous amount of pain. At the same time, he also realized he had something soft in his hand. It was pink, and had very intricate flower designs under the spandex that fitted around the hips. Reserved for those with thin and delicate curves. Riki screamed out bloody murder. “W-what the hell am I doing with a girl’s panties!?” “I don’t know Riki, I asked the question like five seconds ago!” “Guys! Lets duck into F-Building. Chris, you lag behind Riki and be bait. I’ll go along with Riki and get him hidden somewhere.” Chris Angrily Protested. “Nah-ah, you’re going to leave me to fend for myself!?” “Nah, you’ll outrun them, use tactical spacing between you and the enemy.” “We just raided the friggin’ Girl’s Track team locker room!! So those are some speedy females!” The taller boy grabbed Riki’s hand, and broke into a full sprint. Just being tugged along caused Riki’s chest to burn. “Chris! I leave everything else to you!” The teenager flashed a thumbs up to his scapegoat before storming into the F-Building. “Damn it! Wait! Leon!!!!!” Why, am I a teenager again? Riki thought to himself as he and Leon made it to the second floor of F-Building. This is way too real to be happening in a dream. Riki looked down at himself, the same grubby shoes, jeans that managed to make him thinner, the same things he wore back in a time he didn’t gave much of a damn about staying in fashion. Riki shuffled his feet about, and flexed his arms. Everything was responding clearly and smoothly, no details in this world where vague, even a pinching himself hurt and left a red mark on his skin. Leon was looking out one of the windows in the hall. “Hmph, we’re in the clear. As long as we don’t get spotted by anyone on Girl’s Track I’m sure they’ll forget this whole thing in a week or two.” The boy wiped the sweat off his forehead with his palm. He was a person of an attractive build, though he could’ve been the type who had a new girlfriend each month, he rather choose to hang out with comrades and do lots of assorted random acts to his amusement. Riki remembered someone refer to Leon as “Commander who makes every day an operation for his unfortunate troupe of friends”.bLeon as said, was the unanimous leader of their group. Riki finally caught his breath. “…Leon, this was the stupidest idea you could’ve though up of. I mean, isn’t end of the year pranks reserved for seniors?” “No-no-no-no… you have to say: ‘Thank you Leon for helping me jack a pair of Sasara Anderson’s Panties.’ I will now buy you a car and donate my first daughter to you to be your housemaid.” “S-shut up! How do you even know if these are hers anyway!? I don’t think she’s even on track!” “Well, I for one can only assure you that I believe in miracles…” Leon spread his arms out wide and hugged his shoulders dreamily. There wasn’t much of a way to respond to that statement, so Riki continued to breathe out the rest of his exhaustion. Maybe every now and then Leon was a jerk, but he generally meant it in good spirits in his own ‘Leon’ brand of humor. “Mr. Hliener! Those are the two other guys we saw running out of the locker room!” It wasn’t long, before security caught up to the two and took them into the office by the collar. “Hey guys.” Chris was already sitting by the principal’s desk as Riki and Leon walked in. Judging by the amount of bandages sparsely scattered on his arms, legs, and face he managed to avoid more injury than expected. The principal was there as well sitting with both arms crossed, and leaning forward. It would appear that amongst the other reasons Leon was sent to the office previously this latest prank took the cake. To begin the deliberations, Principal Jackson started her disciplinary action with the statement of the crime. “…A panty raid?” Chris chuckled to himself. “Hah, she said panty raid.” The principal continued undeterred. “Have a seat you two. Now then, you do understand that was a crime, right? This could call for a police report if need be.” Leon shook his head and shrugged. “Well, there isn’t any need to report these guys Miss Jackson, I needed some people who could help me get into the girl’s locker room since it’s highly unsafe to do so on your own.” “In yet you ended up getting caught anyway.” Miss Jackson took the bait. Leon was trying to get all the blame pinned on him and away from Riki and Chris. Leon’s reassuring glance at Riki only confirmed it. “Well they were pretty useless henchmen anyway. Hell, on second thought they deserve to be thrown into jail with me for not being capable of doing what I tell them to.” Leon looked at Chis with a disgusted look. “You useless prickhog.” “Mr. Irbing, keep comments of bad taste to yourself.” Miss Jackson looked at both Riki and Chris, memorizing their faces in anticipation of another crime to happen in the future. “I’ll be nice enough to let you two off with a warning; and as for you Mr. Irbing, I’ll be calling you’re parents in for a parent teacher conference.” Principal Jackson wrote down the details of the conference on a sheet of paper. “You’re parents will be getting a call later tonight. But, if any of those girls press any charges I can’t protect you then. Now, head back to class, just because it’s the end of the year doesn’t mean that you can do whatever you like and get away with it. You all had better think about what you’ve done over Summer.” The three boys stood up. Leon when ahead to the door without looking at either of his friends, and rather angrily walk out of the administration building. Riki said expressed his thanks to the principal before leaving. Just as Riki and Chris got out of the administration building, one of the security officers walked in to the Principal’s office. Hliner Boyd,the same security guard that retrieved Leon and Riki for interrogation requested asked Miss Jackson the important question. “Miss Jackson, did you ask them to return what they stole?” “Oh, stole? Did they steal something too?” Hliener Paused for a moment. “Miss Jackson, with all due respect, but do you know what a panty raid is?” “Yes, it is when boys go into girl’s drawers or the like, and look at their panties. I learned about the term from Spongedub Cubetrousers.” Hliener fought back a strong urge to break out into laughter. Though for her credit, it was half way true. “Uh, yeah, never mind then.” Oh well. he thought to himself. What kind of girl would want back a pair of undergarments someone else has been running around with, anyway? When RIki and Chris met up with Leon outside the office, Leon turned around and gave them an apologetic smile. “Hah, looks like I owe you guys a little apology for my screwup.” Chris pointed at a band aid on his cheek. “Do you see these band aids Leon? I think I got girlophobia from this! I could've been killed!” Though any other onlooker would assume the two’s friendship was over, it was only apparent between the three it was in a joking manner. Chris’ sarcasm was faint, but it was present and detectable to Riki even after all those years. “Nonetheless, this operation has been completed successfully, even without the help of Jim.” Lon pointed to Riki, still clasping the panties in his hand. “Riki, hold the fruit of your labor with pride, you have gained several awesome points.” Riki sighed, if becoming awesome involved becoming a pervert, he’d rather not. On the bright side, at least they looked like they just came out of the drawer. The cafeteria’s tables where already empty, and some of the janitors where about ridding their beloved cafeteria of assorted cans, bottles, and grounded stray French Fries for the last time within this school year. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2: A Second Chance Riki became approximately twenty minutes late for his little talk with the principal, and his goodbyes to Leon and Chris, as well as the fact he didn’t have a clue as to where his last class was until he realized he kept a folded up copy of his schedule in his wallet. Riki left it there even after he’d memorized where to go back at the beginning of this year. His class was ironically right where he and Leon where caught by security not even an hour ago. Standing at the door of room 221 he also remembered that it was one of his most hated classes. Along with Mr. Spikenhien being a complete jerk of a teacher, he also remembered the class to be almost as equally annoying. It only took a couple of bad scrubs, and hearing someone call him a Faggot behind his back to make him utterly hate being in that class. But, without anything else to do, he decided to walk in. Mr. Spikenhien didn’t even look up from his computer when Riki walked in. Everyone was standing around in conversational circles. Speaking of their awesome summer plans, reminiscing about the year, and the single conversation about how certain fruits enhance the human body. The entire situation felt odd and amazing at the same time. Everyone around him was talking about the end of the year, yet he himself had absolutely no idea who any of them where. It might as well have been the first day for Riki. If anything at all, he shared the class’ collective feelings of nostalgia, albeit in a different way. Wandering off to a empty seat near the back, Riki sat down, and began to ponder when he’ll abruptly wake up. More than likely, he was going to wake up in just before something really good happens, when he knows it’s coming, yet is fated to return to stark reality on top of his couch. Back to his everyday life as a middle aged man who has forgotten, nor even has a single care for what happened in High School. It was like attempting to cause a paradox in dreams; Riki laid down his head on the desk to nap. For a moment, he thought to himself, how cool would it be, if he really went back in time. All the things he could change, maybe he could keep Chris from going on his shooting rampage, maybe he could’ve stopped Alice from committing suicide, maybe he could’ve done something to stop that terrible car accident that took Leon and Sasara’s lives. Those where ideas he’d played around with in his mind many times in his life. But, for him it was already obvious such things where impossible. “H-hey! We’re just the people who moved in next door…” “O-oh, nice to meet you too! My name’s Sasara.” “Y-yeah, it’s foreign, but…” “Oh, really? Personally I think my name’s a little odd.” “Oh- okay! Lets be friends from now on, alright Riki?” Riki opened his eyes, he felt rather refreshed as his drowsiness quickly subsided. Looking down, he saw the same oak patterned desktop he’d taken his nap on. It suddenly dawned on him that he was still at school. This place that he thought only existed in memory. I’m, still dreaming? Or… am I awake. Why am I still at school? Thinking to himself, he was thinking this could be some kind of complex and terrible joke. In fact he was hoping with all his heart that it was just a complex and terrible joke. The final bell rang, and the rest of the class began to file out of the room. Many wished one another great summers. It was plainly obvious, that the current events unfolding was no dream. All was happening in real time, and there wasn’t anything Riki could do to make him wake up as the sixty three year old man he knows he should be. When it finally sunk in Riki fell into a state of shock. However the last bit of doubt of the dream being real refused to burn away to reason. Disrupting this dumbfounding revelation, a girl’s voice broke out. “Um, Riki…” The voice came from his left. She was a familiar figure, someone he knew from childhood, someone he last saw far away in the memories Riki had buried away a long time ago. “Riki, we’re going to miss the bus soon.” Riki turned away. Old, grief-stricken memories started to reformulate in his mind. “You’re not mad, are you?” Riki shooed her away in his head. Go away, go away, I’m dreaming, this is a dream. Sasara stepped up her attempt to get his attention. “Come on, Riki…” Riki intensified his thoughts. No… please go away… Riki was starting to feel sadness once again after so many years weigh down his chest. You’re dead, Sasara. I saw you die myself. I saw them take you away on the ambulance. I saw you at your funeral. I saw them bury you in the ground. Don’t come back… I don’t have to reminded that you’re-…! “I’m sorry Riki.” Puzzled, Riki looked at her for a moment. Though he tried to hide it, Riki’s expression easily portrayed his current state of mind. Sasara, feeling even more guilty, looked away and started to twirl one of her longer strands of hair hanging over her ear. “I’m-… really sorry for blowing you off this year. It was, really stupid and impolite for me to do that.” By the way she said it Sasara had spent a good portion of her class memorizing that line. Riki remembered then, Sophomore year was the year Sasara completely ignored him; Whether it was in this class, in the halls, on the bus, or walking home. Being childhood friends and next door neighbors didn’t seem to matter to her that year, and It didn’t take a semester for Riki to eventually give up on their friendship. Just like before, Sasara apologized to him now, just like she did on that day. “I-.. promise I want blow you off anymore.” Riki didn’t feel like, or just as much was unable to respond. “Come on, Riki, don’t be cold. I mean, sure I was like that to you this year, but- at least say we can still be friends after you’re satisfied.” The fact they weren’t alone in the class was fully realized Mr. Spinkenhien was watching the scene with great curiosity. Noticing them noticing him, he replied back to his subjects. “Oh, don’t mind me, I want to see what this ‘Satisfaction’ is all about.” Riki wasn’t going to stay in this class for even another second. He stood up made for the door without hesitation. “Wait! Riki! I didn’t mean it that way!” The teacher made a sigh at his loss. “Ah Damnit, was hoping I’d see one happen this year.” Sasara had little difficulty keeping up with Riki’s pace, though he was obviously trying to shrug her off. Riki only stopped on the sidewalk alongside the buses once he realized he didn’t know what bus to take home. The only person who would have an idea would be a certain next door neighbor who was still waiting for an acceptance of her apology. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gomen-ne for closing here, but this is as far as I've gotten so far! Here's some commentary to make up! The story follows along many of the elements from "Little Busters" the visual novel. Though there are some things I don't like... the theme I had in mind for the story was "Friends". The main characters name, and an excerpt from the theme song is there (I dont take credit of the translations, since I just borrowed what I saw form youtube, and kinda streamlined it's english). Everything else however, is all made up from the depths of my mind. Other themes are 'second chances'. As implied in the story, the main character is reliving high school. Though, unlike other stories related to "Going Back in Time" Riki cant conveniently go back and start over, or see the what results his actions make in his own "Present" time. His drive to make a better outcome for his tragic group of friends ends up making a completely new story in itself. One of the major problems for the main is that while he remembers the more tragic events that happened, being as old as he is now much of his memories of the time are gone. Because of this the main doesn't know the exact cause for all the tragedies, presenting another challenge. Riki also has things happen to him that originally didn't happen due to him, as well as comes to know people that he never even met during his first round through high school in his quest to make a better outcome. However, those elements lie in a full novel sized version of this story. Though I have yet the drive or time to make this into it, I make sure to keep these ideas in mind when writing.

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-18 02:24:50 (edited 2009-04-18 07:06:36)

Hi guys ^^ old and new ^^ just saying that I want to join ^^ can I post .....(i don't know what it's called) instead?? just as introduction since no story ready at the moment ^^ "you never knew until the certain someone went away love is feeling, a dumb one, but sometime it's sweet, and sometime it's bitter, a delusion. yet some people look for it, in any way, love is an infinity feeling because each persons describe it in their own way, and it's not wrong. yet those infinite meaning that differ from one another, define as one single word and that word is love"

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-18 04:16:21 (edited 2009-04-18 05:16:01)

@lockey hi, we meet here eh? Hehe^~^ you mean prologue? yes of course... I'm also begin with prologue only first... then I add the continuation. I guess Your story would be great. Waiting for it!^~^ Edited Prologue could be anything... right?^~^ @Ugo Yeah...thanks for your willingness ^~^. anyway Good story you got there.... heehee by any chance, you watch spongebob? ^~^

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-18 05:06:01 (edited 2009-04-19 18:11:07)

@faiz so is that a prologue... it's just a sentence I come up questioning what love is...(you know the highschool stuff one guys do it nicely to talk to a girl.... anyway @UGOOOOO hisashiburiiii ^^ after I read your long story ^^ I think that what I wrote above your post suit your story.. don't you think?? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- seems I got to do my stuff again.... (thanks to Ugo that make me fire up ^^) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever wonder, what is it like to have a second chance.... Not the ordinary second chance. But a second chance of something that never going to be repaired... something like accident, life changing choice, time, or even life...... Have you ever wonder to make things right, to undone what you have done, or at least make it not happen... something that you regret all of your life.. Have you??? Do you want that chance??? Do you want that second chance??? Do you??? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "why... Why... Why!... WHY!!" screech a being like human, except that it had longer arms than any normal human, extending up to his feet. A beast like face, and sharp nail to distinct it from human... The being is on rampage about 1 hour in the shopping district, given the nature of the environment there are no such thing as no casualties. To the report given then by investigator approximately 100 people died in the rampage. A number that was still under investigation due to the extensive damage that had been done. In such that the first policeman arrived had been under total mental therapy. In the report of the policeman, the consultant said that the policeman had always repeated some same sentence.... "The world have turn red" "The devil have arrive" "I don't want to die" the report also said that after 2 weeks in the vicinity the policeman died. The cause was extensive mental pressure resulting suicide action. 1 month after the incident something similar had happen. But this time it was in the slum area so bad that the media and society doesn't put much concern about it. Except the police investigators. 1 month after the incident in the slum another same accident appeared, this time in the local department store. The police had the building shutdown. There are no such thing as survivors. The accident got to the police when passerby saw that the building windows all turn red... 2 month after that the police found similar case. This one has been report by the neighbor of the victim. The report said that in the afternoon when the neighbor going to walk their dog as usual notice something really terrifying. At first the neighbor thought that it was the effect of the sunset but it was not. The whole house has turn red as blood... after the "red house" incident, society starting to fear that something are not right. Something amiss had appeared in the neighborhood. And this something is not good. The police had deem the first case as "bloody shopping district" the second case as "bloody slum" the third case as "bloody department store" and the fourth case as "bloody house" And for the being that was seen in the shopping district, the society had deem it such a kind name..... "Regret" a.k.a UE(unidentified entity)1 for the police from numerous source

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-19 03:19:36

@ Faiz: Yup, quite a lot. ^^ @ Key: Ohisashiburi-Desu Well, my brain is a little tired to be real identifying. But yeah, the statement matches pretty well. As for the story, it's pretty interesting. It kinda reminds me of higurashi in a way. :)

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-19 03:44:43

Basil: Look forward to it!! Finally have some pressure eh? *wink* Doomlight: Lol- nice random bit- but very good! ^^ Ugo: what can I say? That was amazing! And like you said- a post that long- i usually tend to just skim through it- but i read yours (thoroughly)- lol > " Spongedub Cubetrousers" and nice, but er weird prank ^^ I like how it started and the situation Riki's in now ^^ Please post more on this story ! Lockey: Oh, very nice opening! I like that first paragraph bit, really good! K.M.R: I will wait for your post *bows humbly* ^^ on a serious note- look forward to more from you! Gugh, sorry if i've left anybody out, lost internet last 2 days, dinst get an opportunity to post yesterday, but i did read everyone's posts and they are great- working on 2 stories at the mo, and one i need opinions on because like Basil said it would be good to choose your own ending! (and i've got 3 to choose from :P) And i will work on posting up the rest of my "competition" story ^^

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-19 04:08:25

@ugo ahahahhaha sorry about that... after I read my post again it's not below but above hahahahahah ^^ so sorry... but the main idea for the written paragraph might be same as it was saying about chances ^^ @mokona thx ^^

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-19 17:56:38

@Lockey I thought that paragraph at 04/18/09 was the prologue...O-o... sorry... but Nice story^~^ you describe the situation quite well... my imagination had it... it's a bit cruel though....T~T but nice! Awaiting for the continuation!^~^ @Ugo Hehe... who live on the pineapple by under the sea!? *sing* ^~^

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-19 19:52:36 (edited 2009-04-19 19:53:18)

This is what I call "shock and awe". Though I don't have anything specific to say to anyone specific, I thought I'd just drop by and tell you guys that I probably might come up with a continuation on Wednesday or bust. Also, I'd make some arrangements in my schedule to get a good read of the new stories posted, particularly Ugo's, since the length seemed daunting at first. I'll manage to finish it, though. This is a reading herb we're talking about. >:D And now I'm off to bed.

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-19 20:40:25 (edited 2009-04-19 20:44:01)

I manged to retrieve this story or a script... But i did not continued it due to some reasons.... Grammar... I am sorry if there is something "WHA-?!" @Mokona- thank you... Vector Crisis is a very complex story of mine that I am also creating all of the characters even the mechs itself... Initiate Experiment Children: Lost Innocence Lost Heaven -on the forest, two children running one with a broadsword on the shoulder, and one has two submachine guns in the hands, while being followed by government soldiers- Cyrac: Did you think they can caught us here?? Hotaru: No, except they use more all terrain tactics.. Sergeant: There they are, do not let them get away!!! Soldiers: yes sir... -Out from nowhere, explosions was heard- Cyrac: did you drop those bombs?? Hotaru: Yeah, it part of our plan right?? Cyrac: just asking.... Hotaru: Heads up, more soldiers are coming... Cyrac: *sigh* When will they stop Hotaru: As they will kill us.. Cyrac: Yeah right.. -Cyrac and Hotaru preparing to counter attack- -as they were followed Hotaru fired her weapon as Cyrac clearing the obstacles- -on the forest- Hotaru: *firing her guns* There are coming Cyrac Cyrac: Can you handle the situation?? Hotaru: Maybe... Cyrac: Heads up, we are at the last portion of the forest -as they were on the last part of the forest, they did not notice that they are being surrounded- Hotaru: We are being surrounded!! Cyrac: Heads up we must fight... *the soldiers surrounded the two and their sergeant talked to them* sergeant: Surrender now if you want to live.. Hotaru: Shut up!!!! Sergeant: You're being surrounded on my order i we can shot you to death Cyrac: Over your dead body!! Sergeant: I think we don't have other choice!!! *the soldiers aimed their guns to the children* Cyrack: Now!! Hotaru: Right!! *the two children fought the soldiers with their combined their specialty and instantly all of them including the sergeant* Hotaru: That's very easy.... Cyrac: I agree so lets proceed to the next city to gather more ammo and things Hotaru: right *the two children ran until they reached outside of the forest* *on the city* Hotaru: We made it.. Cyrac: yeah.. so lets restock our things Hotaru: Ok, but remember we need to be careful Cyrak: ok.. *Hotaru and Cyrac went to a gun shop* Hotaru: Hello.. Storekeeper: hi want can i do for you?? Hotaru: do you yhave ammo for these?? *gives the lists* Storekeeper: Oh these... sure we have it.. Hotaru: thank you.... Cyrac: So do they have those?? Hotaru: yup... Storekeeper: sorry for waiting ok there *Hotaru received her order and paid* Storekeeper: thanks you for coming *the two children went outside* Cyrac: lets eat for a while.... *the two children went to a cafe and ordered their food then they started eating* Cyrac: so after this place we will left this place or we need to do something... Hotaru: we need to take a rest, even for a while *After the two children finished eating they went to the hotel and stayed for 2 days* Hotaru: are you sure about this? It's kinda weird. Cyrac: I am sure after we gather some information we will leave this place because we are not REAL safe here Hotaru: I understand *as Cyrac and Hotaru left the city, the soldiers noticed them* Hotaru: RUN!!!! *the two children ran again for their lives and for their tactical offensive* Hotaru: Cyrac we need to fight them i think they called reinforcements and maybe they will surround us again Cyrac: OK... -the two children faced the soldiers, Cyrac specialized is two 7 feet swords while Hotaru specialized on guns, then they attacked the soldiers were surprised and annihilated them but the reinforcements came, the two take cover- Hotaru: They are the elite ones Cyrac: What!!!.. Hotaru: here this could help -the girl threw a grenade and it killed seven reinforcement soldiers- Cyrac: Why do i bother to worry about you??? Hotaru: hehehe -the two children fought hard and the soldiers died- Hotaru: well that easy Cyrac: no comment.... -the children left and proceed to another city- -after days of hiding, fighting, running and resting they reached the city of Refada- Hotaru: You know this place looks familiar... Cyrac: So do I... Hotaru: Lets go inside... we need to rest again Cyrac: i agree sister... -Inside Refada- Hotaru: Are we been here?? Cyrac: I can't remember... -the two walked around the city -Inside Refada, as the two youngsters walked they noticed a strange old apartment looking building- Cyrac: It reminds me something... Hotaru: I feel something... unexplainable Cyrac: Lets go... -As the two youngsters went inside, some of their memories returned, then suddenly Hotaru's left arm and back felt intense pain, as with Cyrac the two felt the pain as the same time their old memories returned which give them intense pain, and as the pain was unbearable they shouted then their implanted experiments appeared on their bodies, cyber wings on their backs, on Cyrac his lower arms was transformed into a gun swords and on Hotaru her right arm turned into a buster rifle and her lefta rm turned into a gattling gun, now they remembered everything, they are the ONLY ones who survive the tragic and horror experiment by a underground resistance group that want to annihilate the Tokan government under the Project: OUTBREAK but unknowing to them two figures are watching them not far from them- ???: so they are here ??: we Contact them AT ONCE ???: Yes sir -the two figures left the building, due to the pain and tiredness the two youngsters collapsed and went asleep- Cyrac and Hotaru woke up they were surprised when they realized that they were on a bed, they heard a strange sound when they moved they noticed a figure running away- Hotaru: Wait! Cyrac: Hold on!! -the two followed the figure, until they were where on sent a garden- Hotaru: A garden?? Cyrac: Roses?? -Then a voice was heard- ??: Why did you follow me?? Hotaru: We have questions that needed to be answered, are you the one who brought on the bed? ??: Yes... I am Cyrac: Tell me are you living alone? ??: Yes... since the day that changed my life Hotaru: Changed your life?? ??: Yes... Cyrac: Tell us what happened? ??: It's nothing to concern with!!! -silence was covered in the place- Cyrac: are you also a human experiment?? ??: ....... Cyrac: I just know due to your actions... ??: Yes... i am also Hotaru: .... Nii-san Cyrac: Please, we want to know... ??: I hate both of you.. i hate you because you are a success experiment while me was only a weak prototype.. Cyarc: But the price was the lives of our family and friends.... ??: ..... Cyrac: the government lied, they killed our family and friends, now we are on the government hit list ??: ....... Cyrac: please the three of us are human experiment please show yourself and we promised that we will respect you... -The figure went out, a cute and beautiful 9 yr old girl appeared- Girl: Now what will you do know you saw my being... Cyrac: Prototypes are not weak... they just don't know how it can be controlled trust me. Girl: .... Cyrac: for now can we stay to your house?? Just to have a complete rest if you don't mind Girl: Just not to destroy it... it's only the place that i really cared off -The three returned to the girls "house"- -Girl's house- Girl: I am sorry about that.. Hotaru: We understand... Cyrac: but now... -Cyrac collapses- Hotaru: nii-san!! Girl:!!! -Hotaru catches her brother- Girl: what's wrong with him? Hotaru: He hasn't fully recovered from that incident and from our journey... he lost much energy Girl: .... how can i help?? Hotaru: Can you help me bring him to your bed?? Girl: Sure -The two girls carry the boy, minutes later the two girls left Cyrac alone, on the small living room- Hotaru: what is your name?? Girl: Riana... Hotaru: i am Hotaru... And that boy was my brother Cyrac... Riana: It's nice to meet both of you... -On Riana's house- Riana: So are you sure that he will be fine? Hotaru: Yes, Cyrac is a hard headed person, but he is willing to protect me at all cost Riana: I see.... Hotaru: is it lonely for you to be alone? Riana: At first yes, but now i am used to it... -Riana looked at Hotaru, the girl has a good body shape, her identity matches her black suit, Riana felt something she don't know what, her heart was beating fast. Hotaru was puzzled- Hotaru: Riana.. What's wrong? -Riana snapped out- Riana: Huh??... Oh its nothing i just remembered something [what is that feeling?] -Riana's house- Riana was cooking but still thinking about that thing Riana: [what was that feeling...] -then remembered something, she remembered screams, machines, lights, and evil laughs, Riana hold her head she felt the pain- Riana: NO NOT NOW!!!!!!! -Riana kneeled down due to the pain; she cried she cannot handle the pain- Riana: ARRGH!!!!!! -Then Hotaru rushed at the girl, worried- Hotaru: Daijoubu? -Riana faced the girl with her eyes full of pain- Riana: Hotau- san... help me... ARGHAAA!!!!! -Hotaru felt the girl's pain; she embraced Riana like a caring mother- Hotaru: Riana, everything will be alright I am here now... Don't worry... I promise -Riana was relieve by those words, her head rests on Hotaru's chest, Riana felt the same feeling earlier- Riana: [its happening again] -Hotaru notice Riana's cooking- Hotaru: Here sit her and relax i will do the cooking- -Hotaru carried Riana to her sofa then she resumed Riana's cooking- Riana: Hotaru- sama, Arigato.... but be careful -Riana's House- -Riana was anxious about herself- Riana: [what is it...] -Hotaru appeared she prepared the food notice Riana was acting weird- Hotaru: Riana, are you ok? -Hotaru came closer to the girl- Hotaru: what's wrong? -Riana faced the girl but immediately faced away- Riana: Hotaru pls don't come near me Hotaru: Why? Riana: because.... because... Hotaru: ???? Riana: Just go!!! -Hotaru was shocked- Hotaru: Riana.... Riana: Gomenasai, I don’t mean it... I... I just want to warn you Hotaru: huh? What do you mean?? Riana: Please..... Just do it Hotaru: Ok.... Riana: How about your brother? Hotaru: Daijoubu.... he will be fine... just I said earlier he hasn’t fully recovered Riana: Alright... -After a couple of minutes the two cleaned the dishes. It's almost night time; Hotaru was on the second room, standing to the sliding glass window- Hotaru: Nii- san was still asleep.... he overdue himself just to save me. -then she heard the door open, she looked at the door and it was Riana, the girl was in her night gown, her young body was natural perfectly made and her legs are smooth, appearance that hides her unwanted past- Riana: I... I am sorry if I disturbed you, Hotaru- san Hotaru: It's nothing Riana.... So what can I do for you? Riana: I am sorry about earlier, I don't really mean to do it it's just that... Hotaru: It's ok I understand why, I don't think about that... It's normal any way. What do you want? Riana: Can I have a minute with you? -Hotaru was surprised about the young girl's request, Hotaru and her brother was an outsider and they don't have the trust of the girl- Hotaru: Ugnh.... ok -Raina closed the door and then the girl went closer to the older girl- Hotaru: So what do you want to talk about? Riana: About both of you... Not to invade your privacy but I want to know.... everything Hotaru: Ok... Let's sit down on the bed, its painful if we stand for an hour Riana: Ok. -The two came closer to the bed and they seated on the edge, Hotaru started to talk- Hotaru: Cyrac was my brother he was born two years before me... we loved each other so much, but because i am a girl he became protective... Let's just say OVER protective but in our community understands his reason being the older sibling you must bear the responsible for the safety of your younger sibling/s, Both of us are very happy with each other, some thought that we are lovers than brother and sister, It's better if you se their faces when Cyrac heard them he rushed at them and they ran away from him and hide, but that was normal for them, we have a very happy family and life. Then day of the unexpected, we are being abducted including other children, my brother protected me even it costs his own life, due to his action he was the first child to be experimented, I saw everything, his cries, his pain, his suffering, his anger and his agony. After their experiment on him I saw my brother was lifeless, I thought he was dead and he was taken away from the room, I cried badly the children came closer and they tried to comfort me, that time also two men came closer to us and they tired to get another one, all of us were scared we compress each other we plea for our lives but their thoughts are in their evil actions, as they force to pull one of us we tried to counter them with our combined force, as we tired to resist three men appeared with high powered guns and they aimed them to us, we are frighten so much some of us cried, we wanted to live and we wanted to go home.. -Riana noticed something while listening to Hotaru, she was trembling, her hands are now on her chest like her heart was in pain, as Hotaru continued their unwanted past, Riana felt that her tears falling, she felt the pain of her visitors- Riana: Hotaru.... please... stop it... -Hotaru did not hear Riana; the girl reached her breaking point - Hotaru: I witnessed all the children being experimented by force by those people, I saw each one of them cried, suffered, and died. Riana: Please don’t hurt yourself... Hotaru: All of them died at very young age, they were killed by those people who wanted revenge against the government. Later they realized that I am the only one left, three men carried me by force, as they brought me to the room I tried to escape but they managed to stop me, as they cornered me and they started to harass me I tired to defend myself but no avail Riana: STOP IT!!!!! -Riana cannot control herself she acted with out hesitation, she pushed Hotaru down to the bed, she landed above Hotaru's body and hold both of her hands tightly and put them above Hotaru's head and the younger girl kissed the older girl on her lips, the older girl's tears stopped flowing and was surprised about Riana's actions her tears still flowing- Hotaru: Riana... Riana: I am very sorry... I only wanted to know both of you but it turns out that it caused you suffer... I don’t realize that... I am very sorry... I am sorry... so sorry -The younger girl started to cry on Hotaru's shoulder, her gripping on the older girl's hands are starting to loose, she did not realized that Hotaru lifted her body and embraced the crying girl- Hotaru: Don't cry Riana, I know it's not your intension.... Me too it's too late to realize also... I never thought that it would hurt me much... even that it happened years ago -Riana continued to cry, now she felt that feeling she wanted to have that she never gained, the feeling of being loved- Hotaru: Thank you for controlling myself.... From now on you will never be alone, we are here with you always -It took a long time until Riana stopped crying eventually she slept on Hotaru's chest- Riana: Arigato... Okaa- san... Hotaru: Okaa- san.... Sleep well my little one -Then the door was opened, Hotaru was surprised when she saw her brother Cyrac standing weakly assisted with a sword- Hotaru: Nii -san.... Cyrac: Its ok you have the right to tell her, but it's too late to realize that the effect was strong Hotaru: what will be our next move? Cyrac: Its better that we leave this place but we found a home and a experiment child. Now we should stay this place even this place reminds our dark past -Cyrac came closer to his sister and sit on the bed- Hotaru: Are you still unstable? Cyrac: Try to overload yourself and you will have the picture my little sister -The two laughed, the boy looked at Riana- Cyrac: How's the girl? Is she will be alright?? Hotaru: Yes... she was asleep now... you know she called me Okaa-san Cyrac: Don't tell me that, just observe your actions.... To tell you frankly you cared children like a mother so that the reason why... I forgot to tell you that you are forgiving one you don’t mind some of her strange behavior -Hotaru carefully transferred Riana to the bed, and because its nighttime Cyrac lay down on his place due to exhaustion, Hotaru adjusted his brother's position and she adjusted herself beside Riana and slept. Another day has dawn to the children will they have a better tomorrow? Only time can tell- -->

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-20 10:26:11 (edited 2009-04-20 11:24:49)

@Faiz Still, for those military enthusiasts, The Ra'am will be familiar. I can't say the same with the others. And regarding my character, it's both a yes and a no. He's only part robot, particularly his carbon-steel bones. And yeah, Gunslinger Girl contributed as a quarter of my inspiration. The other parts were inspired by Thing Thing. If you haven't played it yet, then go to Crazy Monkey Games and play any of the Thing Thing games there. I would personally recommend Thing Thing 4 and Thing Thing Arena 3. @Ugo Time paradox FTW! Seriously, the concept of creating a time paradox wherein the protagonist has no intent of instigating until the last moment caught my interest. Also, showing a darker, more mature side of high school life is an added bonus (since I'm quite weary of reading innocent high school stories and stuff). Oddly, Chris' rampage reminded me of Columbine, which happened on this day ten years ago (April 20, 1999). The story was so well written it was quite easy to follow with just one thorough reading, though there are some grammar and spelling errors that, if I may, are somehow "not that important". The way you wrote it clearly presented the story to me without me having to read between the lines (or is that only me?). Anyway, I will be looking forward to the continuation of that story. @Lockey The way you presented your story was interesting. It felt like a hybrid of a narrative and a newspaper article, and it fits very, very well with your story. I like it when the incidents in your story were treated as cases, referring to them in the most business-mannered way. I will be expecting for more reports regarding the incident. @KM I'm kinda confused with your story, since I was unable to read it from the start, though I say what I've read caught my attention. I WILL read your story from the beginning ASAP, though.

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-20 11:35:17

K.M.R: Your story was beautiful! Really good concept with the experiments on the kids- but one thing i'm confused with- Riana kissed Hotaru? And why did she call her Okaa-san? I'm thinking it was because she cared for all the other kids? I like the action sequences so far- just try not to make them too powerful and too many one hit KO's (knock outs), so the thing with Cyrac fainting was a good idea.

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-20 19:31:20

@Mokona- Thanks... here the answers to your questions... Q: Riana kissed Hotaru? A: Yes you are right... Riana KISSED Hotaru becasue... becasue... That was on my mind... heheheh Original concept: Riana fall in love with Hotaru, and yeah some how I ACCIDENTALLY planned into a yuri type but instantly I TRASHED IT Revised concept: Riana fall in love with Hotaru as a sister and a mother that is loyal and caring> Q: And why did she call her Okaa-san? I'm thinking it was because she cared for all the other kids? A: Yes that is true Hotaru cared for the children becasue she did not want the other children suffer their painful experiences and Hotaru loved children sou much Riana also lost her parents and Hotaru expressed the warmth of love not as a stranger but a sisterly and motherly love Q:I like the action sequences so far- just try not to make them too powerful and too many one hit KO's (knock outs) A: Thank you for that... Do not worry about the overpowering the two, I will do that in exchange of their lives Q: so the thing with Cyrac fainting was a good idea. A: Really? Frankly I did not know that it would be a nice concept...I just write what is on my mind -->

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-20 23:38:34 (edited 2009-04-20 23:46:15)

@ All: Hey, maybe we should thinking about indexing the stories that have been posted for easy reference. I think it might prove to be useful and might encourage other to join even if the thread gets long. Also, it would probably be best to start now instead of later... @ Faiz: "...Sponge-bob Square-pantsu!" XD @ Karuzo: Alright, the story was okay. Lets see how we can improve even further! As with what Mokona-tan said, we should avoid the 1 hit KO thing. It helps make a story have more depth if one puts more detail into the battle- as well as makes it more interesting. I notice that you're really into the emotional scenes, well here's what I think are a couple of ways to help it out: It would be a good idea to make sure the reader "Knows" the character and has a bit more of an emotional tie to them. So far, what I know about Hotaru is that she's good with guns, is kind, and cares about her brother her in turn cares for her. They both had a rather terrible past, and are products of a sort of human experiment. The most important elements to making an emotional scene in my opinion (This could be totally... weird but that is kinda how my mind works it out) - 1 - Character Attachment: How much you've been able to become attached to the character. As well as how much you know about the character's motives, dreams, etc. 2 - Character Reasoning: The reason why the character is acting in such a way. (Goes hand-in-hand with the above) 3 - Event Maturity: All the events leading to the key emotional scene. This is judged by how much we know about the events leading to the scene, the two factors above for the characters involved. If I wanted you to get anything out of the above, it's that people feel bad for those characters in those sad scenes because those characters have been described so well enough, and/or the reader has been following the character for long enough to have an attachment. The key to making a memorable character is to have one the readers will come know and like. You may find that in defining your characters you may happen to stumble across many things to add to the story in order to illustrate the character to the reader. I'm not gonna bash for you using script style. In fact one of it's advantages is that it runs on a reader's judgment and imagination, which usually goes really high. However, on the flip side, you need to make sure that you write the characters' words with the character in mind. Since people may get lost if they all talk similarly. For example: Ways Different Chars from Re: Play Say Good Morning (Haha, I'm referencing myself) Riki: Uh... good morning? (Feeling ackward) Sasara: Morning Riki! (Bright, has obvious familiarity to Riki) Leon: Hey! When we're at lunch lets go see if we can hack the library's admin computer! (Jubilant, and a schemer) Chris: Sup. (Short for words, coolish type) Jim: Hi. (Not one to waste words) Chad: Riki, are you doing well? (Quite Friendly) I know Karuzo can continue to improve, hard work and diligence always show! @ Basil: It's rather ominous I happened to post the story on the anniversary, even though I wrote it about a week ago. I honestly didn't know that it was today. I'm really happy you said that it was easy to understand, as that was something I checked and edited the text over for several times before posting it. ^-^ My bad on the grammatical + spelling errors. I was focused on editing the text I skimped out on grammar and spelling error checking. I'll make sure to try not to forget it in the future.

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-21 07:31:02

K.M.R: ahh very nice reply- thanks! I think it makes it more real if he does faint- simply because it shows what he's been through- i didn't mean to cause a fuss with the action sequence, but with any book, even small fighting scenes matter and i don't think people like to hear that some kids can take out a whole group of adults by basic fighting skills- so thanks for clearing that up. Ugo: *nods* true! I like the index idea! maybe we could link it to the right page to? nah that's mne being lazy. I really like your analysis on elements for an emotional scene- i think it's important to build more understanding on the character's feelings towards each other too. Love your mini script ^^ K.M.R Oh yh! Just remembered: i like the sript style, but it kinda reminds me of like roleplays in Gendou? Sorry i was gonna say that makes a good Gendou RPG because you've got the characters being the experiment children coming together maybe? lol. dunno, it's random, but just your layout reminded me of it ^^ sorry if i've said this already, i've got bad memory :S

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-21 08:17:06

KMR... You are using too much heads up...^~^(at least three of it...) How about some other word such as... "uh oh"... or "looks like"? It is children we were talking, right? let's make the dialogue a bit childish a bit. Well... Heads up wasn't really wrong seeing the past of those children but still^~^ uh... at the gun shop... the shopkeeper should at least ask them what will they do with those weaponry... (right? children buying weaponry that much?^~^) @Ugo Yeah... can't be agree more than that.... Oh... guys... Uh... I'm going to ask something sensitive... it is about Copyright... my brother had actually written some story and some of them could be (Means I haven't used it) used (only change the char and background) on the continuation of my story... Will it be okay? If no... I guess I'll need to think up something for the continuation ^~^

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-21 08:17:18 (edited 2009-04-21 08:35:20)

@Faiz: Thank you for that to tell you the truth this story is one of my first organized and my English "processing" is not good at this time because I am busy to edit this in the past and I am tired by that time just like what i say to Mokona it came from a RP in which I am training my self about it Sure I can edit them just give me time.... Regarding somewhat serious dialogue of my characters Cyrac and Hotaru somewhat "matured" well I have reasons why but basically only thing inside of their minds ins to survive Did you get the picture or I messed up again? Regarding to to your problem as long as your brother knows it and you have the right to do it it is alright becasue you asked for the rights of the story from your brother who is the author @Mokona- Frankly that story i post came from a Gendou RP i joined years ago, after it was declared dead i copied my posts you can actually see the parts having this "separation line" @Ugo- Thank you for that well that is actually the first part I haven't planned "Riana and Karuzo's personality enhancement mode" becasue i stopped the idea Well maybe I can continue this after i finished Vector Crisis -->

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-21 09:09:49

Faiz: If it's your brother, and you asked him, i'm sure it's fine... K.M.R: lol- that's cool.

Re: Writers Club/Guild Link | by on 2009-04-21 12:49:20 (edited 2009-04-21 13:01:54)

@Ugo How are we going to index our posts? Just asking. @All I've made my second post already, since I've finished my written draft yesterday. I did the editing and tweaking during my lunch break, and I posted it below just as how it looked like on my Word document - Gill Sans MT, justified, font size 10. I've also added in my "Introduction", which explains things up a bit. This "Introduction" still has a long way to ge before I could deem it satisfactory. Introduction First of all, I would like to explain how the story is laid out. The chapters of this story, which still has no suitable title, are loosely connected; for example, the prologue happens twenty one months before the first chapter. The reason for this is I have not yet mastered the ability to effectively transition chapter changes. That’s just my according to my own opinion, and it does not reflect the opinions of other people. Now back to the point. There are times when I insert something between chapters, and I’ve taken a liking in calling those inserts “Intermezzo.” According to Wiktionary, an intermezzo is a short piece of music or act in the interval of the main spectacle; the Intermezzos in my story act quite similarly. I add Intermezzos between chapters to provide bits and details about the story. Sometimes, it focuses on the action that happens after the chapter, sometimes even before. And there would be some that focuses on the life of the characters itself; expect it to be a break from all the action. Now on to the first Intermezzo. Primo Intermezzo And not a second to soon, they arrived. Six windows came crashing down as six pairs of boots pushed past the windowsills, landing on the floor with a very faint thud. Though not the men I expected to come and take me down, the intruders exhibited their professionalism through the way they walked, the hard, non-slip rubber soles of their boots hovering smoothly before silently making contact with the floor. They were perfectly silent, even stepping on glass shards seems to make no sound for them. Add to that the fact that they had automatic weapons and full tactical gear. Seems to me the boss won’t take chances, sending in a squad of his special ops that even I find formidable foes. “Hands up or we shoot!” barked one of the intruders, his Heckler & Koch MP5KA5 levelled directly at the center of my mass. His comrades carried a combination of HK 416 assault rifles and Colt M4A1 Carbines, which are too cumbersome for a close-quarters operation like room-clearing, particularly this one. The MP5 and its other versions, on the other hand, are favoured by many counter-terrorist organizations for many reasons, none of which I will be going through in detail. Screw that, I won’t be going through it all. But then, the guy with the MP5KA5, let’s just call him One. Well, One made quite a mistake taking the 9mm sub-machine gun. “Oy, you with the 9mm,” I called out to One. “Identification number?” In our organization, every member and operative are assigned their own identification number so as the use of names in the field are avoided. I’m expecting his to start with a SO, but I doubt he’ll tell me his number. If One was puzzled, which I hope he is, he never showed any hint of it. “What do you need it for?” he responded rather angrily. Everything seems to be falling in place. “You just made one helluva mistake,” I told him nonchalantly. “And what is that?” he demanded, raising his head a bit to give me a good glare. Simultaneously, and unconsciously, I reckon, he lowered the muzzle of his MP5KA5 by a mere ten degrees; still, a ten degree depression would prove to be advantageous to me. Not that I need it, but exactly how I wanted things to go on. I raised my left hand, deliberately catching the attention of the others. Only One knew that my left hand was empty; he ignored it and continued to give me a killer glare. The others aimed their rifles at my hand, keeping track of it as it neared the back of my head. As my fingers proceeded to scratch the back of my head, my right hand emerged from the small of my back and, in one sweeping motion, sent two bullets flying to different directions. Both rounds hit home, hammering two guys that I’d like to call Two and Three. Now, both were hit squarely between the eyes. Their heads shot back as the 9x19mm Para tore the back of their heads off, spraying the walls behind them with blood. The impact also sent the bodies into a somersault that I liked to call “poetry in motion.” The whole thing took only 1.49 seconds. The others opened fire after 1.72 seconds. I’m so fast I could even count the seconds accurately to the nearest hundredth. With the room saturated with 5.56mm NATO rounds, I rushed towards One, taking in a few shots in my upper torso. It was really nothing to sweat about; I was built to last, even suck in a lot of 7.62mm, which is a larger, more powerful round than the 5.56mm. When I reached One, he was still in the process of raising his MP5KA5 when I grabbed him by the neck with my left hand, positioned so that he faces me. Immediately, I shoved him into the empty space between my and the other intruders. I brought about my P99 and shoved it into One’s sweaty mug. “See this,” I asked, tilting my P99 so he could see the engravings on the side of the sliding block. “The 9mm’s my baby,” I smirked, forcibly shoving the barrel into his mouth, breaking some teeth in the process. And with an errant twitch of my trigger finger, the real fun begins.

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